Backside issues

There is something about learning which word to use for the nether regions that brings you to a critical moment in a new language and has a real impact on your fluency. Mis use of the cruder terms in inaproppriate situations is a frequent misdemeanour among non native speakers. For example our sweet yoga teacher, who actually speaks very good English, last week asked us to 'put your foot up your arse please'. Now, not only were we startled at the use of the term, but also hesitated for a moment in our trajectory to the 'dancer' position wondering if this was anatomically possible - even for an experienced yogy(or indeed a dancer). We know her well enough to point out a phrase with better karma.

My first brush with the requirement in turkish came when Ruby the lab had a problem under the tail. The vet's assistant assured me that one of the vets at the practice had a good grasp of English and when he called me back would be able to decifer my embarrassed attempts to describe concisely why I needed an appointment. I started politely - 'it's her bottom' ('Mrs Debra, I don't understand'), her backside ('pardon?' ) 'under the tail (the ear is hurt?), errm... ok, since this is a vet now I start with more biological terminology: 'anus', 'colon' ('I don't underst...'), 'back passage' (silence), 'poo, faeces?' (nothing). Of course then I was forced to go into the more medium grade school boy epithets, but to no avail. I was by now finding it too hilarious to continue so we decided I needed to bring her in and, well, point it out.

I realised I needed to tackle the problem straight on and ask for a lesson on back end turkish from my teacher. She took it seriously as always - 'Kopeğin kıçı, but the suffix depends on what is the problem - is it indeed ON the dog's bottom or IN the dog's bottom'. I was trying to write it down in my phrase book for use at the clinic; my class mates had to be picked up off the floor. 'Where are you going to put that suffix??'

Does any other culture find these words as difficult (and hilarious) as the English? Does every nation have so many possible terms and so many connected jokes? My turkish is simply not good enough to know this yet.

But I was glad that I had the appropriate term to enlighten Raffy's dry slope ski teacher on Thursday. Seeing Raf looking very tight lipped coming much too fast down the astroturf conveyor belt I drew nearer to hear the dudey-looking guy instruct him (in English) to 'keep your backside ooopppen, now close your backside up'. Well, I guess on the real slopes he may need to kick in the turbo, but I think the snow plough may be more useful .....